The FBI Wants To Be You

The FBI Wants To Be You
Current mood: amused

Found this little funny today from Bill in Portland Maine...

Dear Mr. Higginbotham,

On behalf of the Federal Bureau of Investigation, we would like to apologize for willfully violating the Patriot Act by snooping on your private life without proper authorization. It was wrong and we feel bad about it. If it's any comfort to you, we found nothing illegal or terrorist-abetting in your personal information. (In fact, we discovered---and corrected---a small clerical error your bank made in October of 2002, for which you'll find a credit of 85 cents on your next statement.)

But that's not the reason we're writing you, Mr. Higginbotham. The purpose of this letter is to inform you that we think you're the biggest stud we've ever come across in our five-and-a-half years of prying into American citizens' lives without warrants (again, our bad). If it's not too much trouble, we have a few questions we're dying to get answers to:

1. What sort of trapeze do you use and how do you hook it up to your bedroom ceiling so that it supports the weight of yourself and those three flight attendants?

2. Regarding your daily calls to 1-900-HORNGRL: can you provide details on how to perform the "pineapple trick"? Is the removal difficult?

3. Likewise your secret to "cucumber snorkeling." Agent Mathers in our Atlanta forensics lab swears that this defies the laws of physics.

4. Can you tell us how the winners of your "Olympic Tongue-athalons" are determined? Must one always hum Grieg's Hall of the Mountain King during the "opening ceremonies" or will any classical piece do?

5. In your email correspondence, you seem to be able to induce orgasm in any recipient simply by writing in the subject line: "My sweet buttered chaps are smothered in gravy." How on earth does this work and do you have other phrases that achieve similar results?

Please reply at your earliest convenience. And understand that you have our deepest admiration. There may even be a medal in your future for outstanding performance by a civilian in the line of duty (if you know what I mean).

Sincerely and with great envy,

Robert Mueller, Director
Federal Bureau of Investigation
Washington, D.C.

Currently listening :
The Age of Plastic
By The Buggles
Release date: 15 June, 1990