Sweet Freedom; Or, How the Helper Remembered to Help Himself

Sweet Freedom; Or, How The Helper Remembered To Help Himself
Current mood: optimistic

I've been single for almost a month now, and can I just say folks, the feeling is great. It's amazing how much of myself I've lost over the past couple of years. Not just in this last relationship, but in the grey area that existed before it, the part of my mind that allowed me to bury so much of myself for what I thought was the better overall good.

I am a very generous and giving person. It's a part of my personality I believe I developed especially because of my stepdad, who is one of the most selfless and caring people I have ever known. He is the type of person who is more concerned with how he can make people around him happy, and he often forgets to keep an eye out for himself. When I was a kid, I can recall many times when I'd have to say something specific to him to make sure he was thinking of himself and not just the group. For someone so conservative and oriented towards free-market philosophy, this was an awfully communistic personality trait for him to display. I will always respect him, for everything he is, but especially for that. It's humbling to have been raised by such a giving person, and I'm lucky.

I tend to express these same sorts of selfless feelings in relationships. I forget about myself in order to make sure the other person is always comfortable. This became a huge problem in this last relationship. She was an extremely selfish person, almost negatively so. I often felt neglected and forgotten about, and definitely thought of it as a one-sided relationship after a while. My support was important and integral to her, but I didn't get much in return.

Now, I'm not the type of person to just stay in a bad situation. But, she had been struggling with some serious and difficult mental problems for some time. I was able to deal with the one-sided-ness, thinking all the while that it wasn't her fault and that things would get better eventually. And during the times when she was normal, I was happy around her.

But those happy times began to get very few and far inbetween. And things never did get better, although I respect her for trying. Suffice it to say that now we are no longer together, I am rediscovering myself and who I really am. There were parts of my personality that I loved, and had forgotten about, with my mental energy focused elsewhere. But certain things that were buried are starting to float back up to the surface. It's kinda fun remembering some of things I used to enjoy, and realizing that I still enjoy them. No wonder when we were together all I wanted to do was watch TV and play video games. My creativity, lust for life, and spontaneity were gone, buried deep down under the daily burden of being there for her.

The past month has been incredible, and the pain didn't take very long to melt away. After seeing how much I'd forgotten about myself, I started to realize that there wasn't much to mourn. And it's been fabulous to just be selfish for a little while. I'm not sure whether or not I want to get back into another relationship at this point, but when I do, I won't settle for anything less than 50-50. That's the way it should be, and I won't compromise again, for ANY reason.

Currently listening :
The Legend of Johnny Cash
By Johnny Cash
Release date: 25 October, 2005