The Price of Commerce

The Price of Commerce
Current mood: hungry

I love living next to the Pike Place Market. It's important to me to support local farmers. I love handing them my cash, having them make me change from the pouches on their belts, and the general old-fashioned form of free market capitalism on a very small scale.

Plus, I swear to Whomever that it tastes better. Safeway peppers are all slimy and obnoxiously large. The peppers at the market are fresh, crisp, and full of flavor. The guy who runs the organic stand is like an old friend of mine now. When I walk by, he always shouts out a recommendation to me, knowing that I'll take it straight home into some random concoction for the evening. I give him my feedback, and he passes it along to the farmers.

I wish I could participate more in small-scale commerce. Living in a major city makes that difficult, although recently I have begun to support small internet businesses, which you can do from anywhere. But at least the market is always there for me, and I don't have to pay some suit a percentage of my food budget.

Currently listening :
Dare!
By The Human League
Release date: 16 September, 1997

Sweet Freedom; Or, How the Helper Remembered to Help Himself

Sweet Freedom; Or, How The Helper Remembered To Help Himself
Current mood: optimistic

I've been single for almost a month now, and can I just say folks, the feeling is great. It's amazing how much of myself I've lost over the past couple of years. Not just in this last relationship, but in the grey area that existed before it, the part of my mind that allowed me to bury so much of myself for what I thought was the better overall good.

I am a very generous and giving person. It's a part of my personality I believe I developed especially because of my stepdad, who is one of the most selfless and caring people I have ever known. He is the type of person who is more concerned with how he can make people around him happy, and he often forgets to keep an eye out for himself. When I was a kid, I can recall many times when I'd have to say something specific to him to make sure he was thinking of himself and not just the group. For someone so conservative and oriented towards free-market philosophy, this was an awfully communistic personality trait for him to display. I will always respect him, for everything he is, but especially for that. It's humbling to have been raised by such a giving person, and I'm lucky.

I tend to express these same sorts of selfless feelings in relationships. I forget about myself in order to make sure the other person is always comfortable. This became a huge problem in this last relationship. She was an extremely selfish person, almost negatively so. I often felt neglected and forgotten about, and definitely thought of it as a one-sided relationship after a while. My support was important and integral to her, but I didn't get much in return.

Now, I'm not the type of person to just stay in a bad situation. But, she had been struggling with some serious and difficult mental problems for some time. I was able to deal with the one-sided-ness, thinking all the while that it wasn't her fault and that things would get better eventually. And during the times when she was normal, I was happy around her.

But those happy times began to get very few and far inbetween. And things never did get better, although I respect her for trying. Suffice it to say that now we are no longer together, I am rediscovering myself and who I really am. There were parts of my personality that I loved, and had forgotten about, with my mental energy focused elsewhere. But certain things that were buried are starting to float back up to the surface. It's kinda fun remembering some of things I used to enjoy, and realizing that I still enjoy them. No wonder when we were together all I wanted to do was watch TV and play video games. My creativity, lust for life, and spontaneity were gone, buried deep down under the daily burden of being there for her.

The past month has been incredible, and the pain didn't take very long to melt away. After seeing how much I'd forgotten about myself, I started to realize that there wasn't much to mourn. And it's been fabulous to just be selfish for a little while. I'm not sure whether or not I want to get back into another relationship at this point, but when I do, I won't settle for anything less than 50-50. That's the way it should be, and I won't compromise again, for ANY reason.

Currently listening :
The Legend of Johnny Cash
By Johnny Cash
Release date: 25 October, 2005

Budget Stay in NYC

Budget Stay in NYC
Current mood: curious

So I'll be in NYC next month and would love to stay on a budget. Who's got tips? Sure, sure, I can "google it," just like I can google that naked photo of your aunt Josephina, but one tends to prefer an honest recommendation from the lips of a trusted friend. I'm cool with hostels and the like.

Currently listening :
English Settlement
By XTC
Release date: 25 June, 2002

The Borg
Current mood: quixotic

I'm seeing more and more people out on the street with the little bluetooth cellphone adapters that fit in the ear. All I can think of is the Borg! These people crack me up. They walk around talking to thin air like it's no big deal. I catch the funniest sayings from people here and there. That is, when I don't have my super-duper noise canceling headphones plugged deep into my ears, pumping deep electro bass into my soul.

I think of it on a grander scale, though. It would be funny to go back a couple hundred years and see what sorts of things you had in your pockets and on your person back then. Probably things more suited towards survival and safety. It's interesting how things have changed. The things we carry around now don't serve much practical use. They are luxury items that we've become accustomed to. I sure as hell am not gonna leave my Ipod at home! Talk about the end of the world!

Resistance is indeed futile.

Currently listening :
The Pink Opaque
By Cocteau Twins
Release date: 02 February, 1999

Good mood!

Good Mood!
Current mood: satisfied

This is sort of a strange thing to blog about...

But, lately I've just been in a very positive, progressive-thinking mood. Dunno if it's just the coming of summer (probably) or that my astrological indicators are in some sort of alignment (more likely) but things just seem to be clicking lately.

I got the very first college-level 4.0 in my life this past quarter! Not bad for having been out of school for 8 years. This has tremendously helped my confidence and outlook regarding this this whole going-back-to-school thing. It's been sort of an experiment for me (and for those close to me you know that I've really changed around my lifestyle for this) and it feels very rewarding to have some level of success.

I've reconnected lately with some people who have been out of my life for some time. It was fantastic to see one of my all-time closest buddies Nate last week. I've always had a high level of respect and admiration for him, and it was so great to hang out with him after a couple years apart. I'm glad he's back from Iraq safely and I look forward to seeing him more often.

I've also been extremely happy with the way my relationship with my parents has developed over the past 4-5 years or so. I really like that I have 4, not just 2, really cool parents, all of whom treat me as an equal and all of whom have contributed to the adult I've become. I see the way other people still have serious issues with their parents, even in their adult lives, and I feel lucky that after many years of tense, acrimonious, and sometimes bitter conflict, we've resolved our differences and agreed to disagree. Our relationship is stronger and for the better because of it.

My oldest younger sister Anna recently was married, and she was SO HAPPY. It was heartwarming to see her finally tie the knot with her childhood sweetheart and best friend Sean. It was one of the more emotional experiences I've had in years. They are going to have a good life together. You can just tell by being around them how much in love they are. I'm always nervous about Mormon weddings, specifically because they get married so young, and because they are so inexperienced and naive sexually, but I really think this one was meant to be.

I've finally started to make firm plans (after MUCH talk) and will be buying property this fall. Unless the housing market crashes over the summer, I'll probably have to stick to a condo for now, but it will sure be a load off my mind to know that I'm not wasting $600 on rent every month. Jeeez! It will be cool to start building some equity. And then, a few years from now when I begin my actual career, I'll have a little equity saved up as down payment for a real house (hopefully out in the middle of nowhere considering how much I hate people... ha ha ha... No, actually, I'm not kidding, disregard that ha ha ha...)

Anyway, I don't write this as a "Look At Me I'm Happy" sort of thing. It's not my intention to gloat. It's just that, for most of the past 10-15 years, I've had my struggles and been extremely unhappy and often wondered if I would ever feel the way I do now. There were some VERY dark moments along the way, with little or no light at the end of the tunnel.

I guess that's just a life lesson in The Best Things in Life Don't Come Easy. And I certainly don't expect things to plateau here. I'm going to keep working on the things that bring me down, and keep focusing on the things that lift me up. I figure I've got another 50 years at least, and as we all know, anything can happen at anytime.

But for now, I'm smiling! :)

Currently listening :
Transitions
By John Digweed
Release date: 27 June, 2006